Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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