I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
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I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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