you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
