If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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