3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
