girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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