I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
