I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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