I cannot find my penis.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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