areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
