I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
