My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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