And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
