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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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