I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
