I can text with my tongue
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
