It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
