Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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