Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
