I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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