I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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