I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
