I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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