I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
