I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
