I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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