so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
