then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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