I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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