Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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