Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.