Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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