Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
