Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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