so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
