i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
