filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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