got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
