my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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