did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
