I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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