I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
