The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
