so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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