Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
