masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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