No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
