You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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