Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
