in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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