She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
