Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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