Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
