What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
