when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
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My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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