She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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