My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
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