The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
