I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
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I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Pants are for mortals
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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