Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
