Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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