I wanna bring you to show and tell
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I hate all girls vehemently.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
