shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
