I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
